Author: findchristianman

Most women know that planning a wedding and preparing for marriage are two different things. We know it. We say it. But once there is a ring on your finger and a wedding date on the calendar, it can become surprisingly easy to spend more time thinking about one day than the life that begins after it.

There will be decisions about dresses, flowers, food, invitations, bridesmaids, music, photographs, and where everybody is going to sit. Somebody will probably get upset about something that you didn’t even know was important. By the time you reach the wedding day, you may feel as though you’ve earned a degree in event management.

And then everybody goes home.

You wake up married.

That’s the part you need to prepare for.

A Christian marriage is more than two people who love each other deciding to spend their lives together. You are entering a covenant before God, and if Jesus Christ is Head, both husband and wife are agreeing to live under His authority. That means preparing for marriage has to go deeper than preparing for the ceremony.

Marriage Will Require Something From You

Philippians 2:3–4 (NLT) tells us, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

Marriage will give you plenty of opportunities to live that Scripture.

There will be times when what your husband needs is inconvenient. There will be times when you are tired and he is tired, and neither one of you feels particularly interested in putting the other person first. There will be seasons when one person carries more because the other simply cannot. Marriage will require patience, forgiveness, sacrifice, faithfulness, self-control, and a willingness to serve.

That doesn’t mean losing yourself or believing that your needs no longer matter once you become a wife. It means understanding that marriage cannot thrive when either person enters it primarily concerned with what the other person is going to do for them.

It’s worth asking yourself before marriage: Am I prepared to love someone when loving him requires something from me?

He needs to be asking himself the same question.

Marriage Will Not Fix What You Refuse to Deal With

Sometimes we imagine marriage as the beginning of a completely different life. And in many ways, it is. But you don’t become a different person because somebody puts a ring on your finger.

You bring yourself into the marriage.

Your habits come with you. Your attitudes come with you. Your relationship with money comes with you. Your ability to communicate comes with you. Your temper comes with you. Your insecurities, unresolved hurts, selfish tendencies, fears, expectations, and spiritual maturity all come too.

This is one reason preparation matters.

Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT) says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

That is a courageous prayer for anyone preparing for marriage because it turns our attention away from evaluating somebody else long enough to allow God to examine us.

Lord, what in me needs to change?

Where am I selfish?

Where am I still carrying hurt that affects the way I love?

Where do I need greater discipline?

Where am I expecting another person to give me something that I should be receiving from You?

You don’t have to become perfect before you get married. If that were the requirement, nobody would ever make it down the aisle. But there is a difference between having areas where you are still growing and refusing to deal with things God has already shown you.

Learn to Be Faithful Before Someone Calls You a Wife

Marriage vows don’t create character. They reveal the need for it.

If you want to be faithful in marriage, practice faithfulness now. If you want to communicate honestly in marriage, practice honesty now. If you want your future home to be financially responsible, learn how to handle money now. If you want prayer to be part of your marriage, don’t wait for a husband before developing a prayer life.

And if you want Jesus Christ to be Head of your marriage, He needs to have authority in your life before you marry.

Jesus says in Luke 6:46 (NLT), “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?”

That’s a question worth sitting with.

It is easy to say we want a Christ-centered—better yet, Christ-headed—marriage. It is another thing to surrender our choices, habits, attitudes, relationships, bodies, money, and plans to His authority.

You cannot prepare for the headship of Christ in marriage while resisting His headship in your single life.

Make Sure You Understand Covenant

Marriage is not a promise to remain committed as long as the other person continues making you happy.

Feelings matter, but feelings change. There will be seasons of tremendous joy in marriage, and there may also be seasons of disappointment, grief, stress, sickness, financial pressure, exhaustion, or simply the routines of everyday life.

This is part of why choosing wisely matters so much.

Jesus teaches in Matthew 19:6 (NKJV), “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Those are serious words.

Marriage is not something Christians should enter casually with the thought that if it becomes difficult, we can always walk away. At the same time, taking covenant seriously does not mean a person should remain in danger or quietly endure abuse. Covenant should never be used as a weapon to trap someone in violence, coercion, or mistreatment.

Understanding the seriousness of marriage should make us more careful before entering it, not more willing to tolerate what God never required us to tolerate.

Ask Yourself What You Think Marriage Is Going to Give You

This may be one of the harder questions.

What are you expecting marriage to fix?

Loneliness?

Financial insecurity?

Sexual temptation?

Your sense of worth?

The feeling that everybody else has moved forward while you’re still waiting?

Marriage may change some circumstances in your life, but a husband was never designed to take the place that belongs to Jesus Christ.

A man cannot carry the responsibility of making you whole. And you cannot carry that responsibility for him.

Colossians 2:10 (NKJV) tells us, “and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.”

Your completeness is in Christ.

That doesn’t make the desire for marriage wrong. Wanting companionship isn’t wrong. Wanting to share your life with a godly man isn’t wrong. Wanting children and a family isn’t wrong. Marriage is a beautiful gift from God.

But a gift cannot become your god.

When Jesus Christ is Head, marriage takes its proper place. You can deeply love your husband without asking him to become your source. You can enjoy marriage without expecting it to answer every longing in your heart. And you can enter marriage as a woman who already knows where her life comes from.

Prepare for the Marriage You Keep Praying For

If you’ve been praying for a godly husband, it is reasonable to ask what kind of wife you are preparing to become.

Not for some imaginary man. Not because your value depends upon whether somebody chooses you. And not because women have some special obligation to get themselves perfect while men get to show up however they please.

Prepare because you belong to Jesus Christ.

Allow the Holy Spirit to develop your character. Learn how to forgive. Learn how to communicate. Become responsible with what God has already placed in your hands. Deal honestly with the places where you need healing. Learn how to apologize. Strengthen your prayer life. Know God’s Word for yourself. Become increasingly obedient to Christ.

Then, when you’re considering marriage, look for a man who is doing the same.

You are not looking for two finished people. You are looking for two people who understand who their Head is and are willing to keep growing under His authority.

The wedding will be one day.

Marriage, God willing, will be many years.

So enjoy the dress. Enjoy the flowers. Take a ridiculous number of pictures. Celebrate with the people you love and thank God for bringing you to that day.

But prepare for what happens when everybody goes home.

Prepare to love. Prepare to forgive. Prepare to serve and to receive. Prepare to communicate. Prepare to grow. Prepare to keep following Jesus when marriage is wonderful and when marriage requires more of you than you expected.

Before you say “I do,” don’t only ask whether you’re ready to get married.

Ask whether you’re preparing to live as a wife under the headship of Jesus Christ.■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Talk About the Life You’re Actually Going to Build”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

When two people begin seriously talking about marriage, the conversation can get exciting pretty quickly. You talk about rings, weddings, where you might live, and maybe even what your children will look like. You know you love each other. You believe God brought you together. You both want to get married. So, what else is there to talk about?

Quite a bit, actually.

Before you say “I do,” you need to talk about the life you’re actually going to build together. Marriage isn’t lived at the wedding. It’s lived on regular Tuesdays when somebody is tired, bills need to be paid, dinner has to be figured out, somebody’s mother wants you to come over, the baby has been crying for two hours, and you both have different ideas about what should happen next.

That may not sound particularly romantic, but it is real life. And if Jesus Christ is going to be Head of your marriage, then you need to begin thinking beyond how much you love each other and start talking honestly about how the two of you intend to live under His authority.

Luke 14:28 (NLT) says, “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?”

Jesus was teaching about the cost of discipleship, not giving premarital counseling. But the principle should certainly make us think. Jesus was telling people not to make a serious commitment without first understanding what that commitment would require of them. He told people who wanted to follow Him to understand what they were agreeing to.

Marriage deserves serious thought too.

Talk About More Than the Wedding

One of the easiest mistakes couples can make is assuming that because they agree about marriage, they agree about married life.

They don’t necessarily.

You may both want children but have completely different ideas about raising them. One of you may believe a mother should stay home while the other assumes both spouses will always work. You may believe money should be combined immediately while he believes married people should maintain separate accounts. You may expect to spend every Christmas with your family while he assumes Christmas belongs to his.

Neither of you may discover these differences until you’re already married unless you talk about them.

Proverbs 24:3–4 (NLT) tells us, “A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.”

A strong home requires wisdom. Part of wisdom is being willing to ask questions before you’re forced to deal with the answers.

Talk about money. Not only about how much you earn, but what you owe. Do either of you have significant debt? What are your credit habits? Do you save? How do you feel about giving? How do you feel about paying tithes? What does each of you consider a large purchase? Who will handle the bills? What financial goals do you have?

And talk about your spiritual life together. How much time will you spend together in prayer and studying God’s Word? Is that a priority for you both?

Please don’t wait until after the honeymoon to discover that one of you is a saver and the other thinks a credit card is an emergency fund.

Talk About Family, Children, and Expectations

Family deserves its own conversation because when you marry someone, you don’t suddenly stop having parents, siblings, traditions, and family relationships.

How involved do you expect your families to be in your marriage? Are there relatives who routinely cross boundaries? How will you handle holidays? What happens if a parent becomes ill and needs care? Can either family member show up whenever they want? When family conflict occurs, how do you expect your spouse to respond?

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Leaving doesn’t mean abandoning or dishonoring our families. It does mean something changes when we marry. A new family unit is formed, and that relationship cannot remain secondary to Mom, Dad, siblings, or anybody else.

You also need to talk honestly about children. Do both of you want them? How many? What if having children proves difficult? What are your thoughts about adoption? How were each of you disciplined growing up, and what would you want to do differently? What do you believe about educating your children and raising them to know Jesus Christ?

These aren’t first-date questions. But they are certainly before-the-wedding questions.

Talk About What You Believe Marriage Requires

This conversation can become especially interesting because people sometimes use the same Christian words while meaning very different things.

You may both say you want a “biblical marriage.” Okay. What does that mean to each of you?

What does he believe being a husband requires of him? What do you believe being a wife requires of you? What does spiritual leadership look like in everyday life? How will major decisions be made? What happens when you genuinely disagree? What are your expectations concerning household responsibilities? Careers? Sex? Church involvement?

Don’t settle for Christian vocabulary. Talk about what those words will actually look like in your home.

Ephesians 5:21 (NKJV) begins this portion of Paul’s teaching with, “submitting to one another in the fear of God.” He then speaks directly to wives and husbands, and husbands are given an enormous standard: to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Whatever conversations we have about marital roles, they must remain under the authority and character of Jesus Christ. Christian marriage was never designed to give either person permission to become selfish, controlling, dismissive, or spiritually superior.

Jesus is Head.

That means both of you will have to surrender some things you want.

Talk About Sex Before Marriage Without Practicing It

Christian couples sometimes become so concerned about maintaining sexual boundaries before marriage that they avoid talking about sex altogether. Those are two different things.

You can honor God sexually and still have mature conversations about expectations for intimacy in marriage. In fact, you should.

What messages did each of you receive about sex growing up? Is either person carrying shame, fear, unrealistic expectations, or past experiences that may affect intimacy? Can you talk about the subject respectfully without pressure or embarrassment? Do both of you understand that sexual intimacy in marriage involves mutual care and consideration rather than entitlement?

You don’t need explicit conversations that stir up temptation. You do need enough maturity to recognize that sex will become part of your marriage, and silence before the wedding doesn’t guarantee understanding afterward.

Find Out Whether You Can Build Together

Amos 3:3 (NKJV) asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”

Agreement doesn’t mean two people will have identical opinions about everything. That isn’t realistic. What matters is whether your fundamental beliefs, expectations, and direction allow you to build one life together.

And this is where some difficult honesty may be required.

If you discover a significant disagreement, don’t rush to minimize it because the wedding is getting closer. Don’t tell yourself, We’ll figure it out, when what you really mean is, I hope he changes his mind. Maybe the issue can be worked through. Maybe you need Christian premarital counseling. Maybe you need more time. And yes, occasionally you may discover something important enough to reconsider whether marriage is wise.

It is better to face a difficult truth before marriage than spend years fighting a truth you refused to face because you wanted to get married.

Let Christ Have Authority Over the Life You’re Planning

There is one conversation underneath all the others: What does following Jesus Christ actually mean to each of you?

Not simply, “Are you a Christian?”

How does he follow Jesus when nobody is watching? How do you? What place does prayer have in your lives? When God’s Word conflicts with what either of you wants, are you willing to let God’s Word have the final say? Are you both teachable? Are you committed to a local church or fellowship? When God corrects you through His Word, are you willing to change?

A Christian marriage cannot depend upon one spouse dragging the other toward Christ.

You are going to make thousands of decisions together if God gives you many years of marriage. Some will be enormous, and many will seem insignificant. You cannot possibly discuss every situation before the wedding.

What you can determine is whether both of you recognize the same Head.

Marriage is not simply two people deciding, We want a life together. For believers, it is two followers of Jesus Christ preparing to join their lives while remaining submitted to Him.

So talk.

Talk about money. Talk about children. Talk about family. Talk about sex and intimacy. Talk about work, church, responsibilities, expectations, and the future. Ask questions you may be a little nervous to ask, and listen carefully to the answers.

You aren’t trying to eliminate every surprise from marriage. That’s impossible.

You’re trying to make sure that while the two of you are planning a wedding, you’re also preparing to build a life—and that Jesus Christ will have authority over the home you’re asking Him to help you build. ■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Talk About the Life You’re Actually Going to Build”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

It feels wonderful to meet someone you click with. You enjoy the same things, conversation comes easily, you laugh together, and somehow three hours can pass without either of you noticing. You may share similar goals, enjoy the same kind of music, attend church together, and even discover that you both hate tomatoes. Wonderful. You have found your person.

Well, maybe.

Compatibility matters in a relationship, but it cannot tell you everything you need to know about someone you are considering marrying. You can have great chemistry with a person whose character is not strong enough to sustain a healthy marriage. You can have plenty in common with someone who is irresponsible, dishonest, selfish, controlling, or unwilling to grow.

Before you say “I do,” pay attention to more than how well the two of you get along. Pay attention to who both of you are becoming under the authority of Jesus Christ.

Character Shows Up in Ordinary Life

Jesus tells us in Luke 6:43–44 (NKJV), “For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit.”

Fruit takes time to see.

Anyone can make a good impression for a while. Dating tends to put us on our best behavior anyway. We dress a little better, exercise a little more patience, and may even pretend we don’t mind something that is actually driving us crazy. But eventually ordinary life starts showing up, and that is when you need to pay attention.

How does he treat people who cannot do anything for him? Does he keep his word? Does he take responsibility for his choices? How does he respond when somebody corrects him? Is he dependable? Does he tell the truth when telling the truth may cost him something?

And while you’re watching him, remember that he is getting an opportunity to see your character too.

Marriage isn’t about finding someone with enough character to compensate for everything we refuse to address in ourselves. Both people need to be growing.

Don’t Confuse Personality With Character

Sometimes we give people credit for character when what we’re actually seeing is personality.

A man can be charming without being kind. He can be outgoing without being loving. He can be quiet without being humble. He can be successful without being responsible. He can know how to quote Scripture without living under its authority.

And yes, a man can attend church faithfully without Jesus Christ actually being Lord over the way he lives.

Galatians 5:22–23 (NLT) gives us something much more substantial to look for: “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Those qualities matter tremendously in marriage.

Think about what patience looks like when two people disagree. Think about faithfulness when temptation comes. Think about kindness when one spouse is struggling. Think about gentleness when difficult truth needs to be spoken. Think about self-control when somebody is angry.

The fruit of the Spirit isn’t a nice list for Sunday school. This is what the Holy Spirit produces in people who are yielding their lives to Him, and those qualities will affect the kind of husband or wife we become.

Watch What Happens When Life Doesn’t Cooperate

Character is often easiest to recognize when a person doesn’t get what he wants.

Pay attention to disappointment. Pay attention to inconvenience. Pay attention when plans fall apart. Pay attention when he has to wait, when somebody tells him no, when he makes a mistake, or when someone else receives the opportunity he wanted.

Pressure doesn’t create everything we see in a person, but it has a way of revealing what was already there.

The same is true for us.

We shouldn’t spend the entire dating relationship studying a man’s reactions while ignoring our own. What comes out of you when you’re disappointed? How do you behave when you’re jealous? Can you celebrate someone else’s success? Do you manipulate situations to get your way? Can you be trusted with someone else’s vulnerability? Do you keep your commitments when keeping them becomes inconvenient?

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

Guarding your heart doesn’t mean becoming suspicious of everyone who wants to love you. It means using wisdom about what and whom you allow to influence the direction of your life.

Marriage certainly does that.

Pay Attention to How a Person Handles Being Wrong

One of the strongest signs of character isn’t never getting anything wrong. None of us could pass that test.

Look for what happens afterward.

Can he admit he was wrong without somebody producing seventeen pieces of evidence? Can he apologize? Can he receive correction without attacking the person who corrected him? Does he make changes, or does he apologize repeatedly for the same behavior while expecting everyone around him to keep accepting it?

Repentance is more than saying, “I’m sorry.”

A person submitted to Jesus Christ should be willing to be changed by Him.

That doesn’t mean change happens overnight. We all have areas where growth takes time. But there should be a difference between someone who is struggling while sincerely allowing God to work in him and someone who uses grace as an excuse to remain exactly as he is.

And again, turn the question around.

Are you teachable?

Can God correct you through His Word? Can another person point something out without you immediately explaining why it wasn’t really your fault? Are you willing to grow in areas that may be uncomfortable?

If we’re preparing for Christian marriage, these questions belong to both of us.

Don’t Marry Potential

Potential can be exciting because it allows us to imagine who someone could become.

But you aren’t marrying the man he might be five years from now.

You’re marrying the man who is standing in front of you.

Certainly people grow. We should expect followers of Jesus to grow. You may look back ten years into marriage and thank God for what He has developed in both of you. But it is dangerous to enter marriage already depending upon major changes that have not happened.

If he becomes more responsible, this will work.

If he gets serious about God, this will work.

If he learns to control his anger, this will work.

If he stops lying, this will work.

Those are not small matters.

Don’t make a lifelong covenant with an imaginary future version of someone while ignoring the character of the person you actually know.

Look for Someone Who Is Following Christ

The goal isn’t to find a flawless man. You won’t.

And he won’t find a flawless woman either.

The better question is whether you see evidence of a life that belongs to Jesus Christ. Is he becoming more loving? More truthful? More responsible? More self-controlled? Is there humility in him? Is there evidence that when Christ confronts an area of his life, he is willing to surrender it?

Then ask those same questions about yourself.

Christian marriage isn’t sustained because two compatible people happened to find each other. There will be seasons when you don’t feel particularly compatible at all. Life changes. People grow. Circumstances change. The qualities you thought were adorable while dating may occasionally get on your last nerve after marriage.

Character goes deeper.

Before you say “I do,” give yourself enough time to see more than the person you enjoy dating. Watch how he lives. Watch how he treats people. Watch how he responds to God. Watch what happens when life doesn’t go his way.

And let him see the real you too.

You are both preparing for something much bigger than a wedding. You are preparing to make a covenant before God and build a life together under the headship of Jesus Christ.

Compatibility may help you enjoy the journey.

Character will have a great deal to do with how you walk it.■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Pay Attention to Character, Not Just Compatibility”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

You can learn quite a bit about a relationship when everything is going well. You can learn even more when it isn’t.

It’s easy to be loving when you’re having dinner at your favorite restaurant, laughing at each other’s jokes, texting good morning, and talking about how wonderful your future is going to be. But sooner or later, one of you is going to say something the other doesn’t like. Somebody is going to be disappointed. Somebody is going to forget something, misunderstand something, spend money the other person thinks should have been saved, or have an opinion the other person simply does not agree with.

Welcome to relationships.

Before you marry someone, you need to know what happens when the two of you disagree. And you need to pay attention not only to what he does, but to what you do too. Marriage preparation is not an opportunity to put a man under a microscope while giving ourselves a pass. Both people bring habits, attitudes, expectations, strengths, weaknesses, and some measure of selfishness into a relationship. That is one reason Jesus Christ must be Head. No one else is qualified for the position.

Colossians 1:18 (NLT) tells us, “Christ is also the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So he is first in everything.”

If Christ is first in everything, He cannot become secondary when we’re angry. That sounds obvious until you’re in the middle of an argument and you know you’re right.

Conflict Doesn’t Mean Something Is Wrong

Some women get scared when there’s disagreement because somewhere along the way, we started believing that a healthy relationship should be peaceful all the time. No arguing. No hard conversations. No hurt feelings. Just peace.

Then there are women who grew up with so much arguing, yelling, shutting down, and hurtful words that conflict feels normal. It’s what they know, so they may not even recognize how unhealthy it is. But neither extreme gives us a healthy picture of what God wants for our relationships. Real relationships will have disagreements. The issue isn’t whether we disagree. It’s how we handle each other when we do.

Two people can sincerely love Jesus and still disagree. You were not raised in the same house. You haven’t had the same experiences. You may not communicate the same way. You won’t necessarily have the same opinions about money, family, parenting, household responsibilities, careers, church involvement, or a hundred other things.

The question isn’t whether you will disagree. You will.

The question is what happens to your Christian character when you do.

James 1:19–20 (NLT) says, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

That’s a powerful Scripture for two people considering marriage because God doesn’t merely tell us not to be angry. He tells us to listen. He tells us to slow down. And then He tells us something we really need to remember: our anger does not produce His righteousness.

There are times when we have legitimate reasons to be upset. Something was said that shouldn’t have been said. A promise wasn’t kept. A boundary was crossed. Your feelings were hurt. The issue may need to be addressed, but being right about the issue does not give either person permission to behave wrong while addressing it.

Jesus is still Head.

Pay Attention to What Happens When One of You Doesn’t Get Your Way

Dating gives you an opportunity to observe things that become very important in marriage.

What happens when you say no?

What happens when he wants something and you disagree?

What happens when plans change?

What happens when you tell him something he did hurt you?

Can he hear you without immediately defending himself? Can you hear him without doing the same?

Does one of you have to win every disagreement?

Does either of you become sarcastic, insulting, intimidating, or cruel? Does somebody disappear for three days and refuse to communicate? Does one person threaten to end the relationship whenever things aren’t going well? Does one person punish the other with silence until they finally give in?

Please don’t call unhealthy behavior “just the way we communicate.”

And certainly don’t assume marriage will fix it.

Marriage usually gives existing patterns more opportunities to show themselves.

This is also where we need wisdom about the difference between ordinary conflict and behavior that should never be normalized. Threats, intimidation, controlling behavior, humiliation, physical aggression, sexual coercion, destroying property, monitoring someone’s movements, or making someone afraid are not communication problems that require a better conflict-resolution technique. Those are serious warning signs. Marriage preparation should never teach a woman to become better at tolerating mistreatment.

Can You Tell the Truth in This Relationship?

Healthy conflict requires honesty. Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) tells us to “speak the truth in love.” Both parts matter. Some people emphasize truth while forgetting love. They pride themselves on “telling it like it is,” while leaving wounded people everywhere they go. Other people emphasize keeping the peace so much that they avoid difficult conversations altogether.

Neither approach prepares us well for marriage.

You need to be able to say, “That hurt me.”

You need to be able to say, “I don’t agree.”

You need to be able to say, “I’m concerned about this.”

You need to be able to ask, “Why did you make that decision without talking to me?”

And the person you’re considering marrying needs that same freedom with you. A relationship where one person is constantly walking on eggshells is not healthy simply because there isn’t much arguing. Sometimes there isn’t much arguing because one person has learned that telling the truth costs too much.

Pay attention to that.

Learn How to Apologize Before You Get Married

One of the most important sentences in marriage will probably be one of the simplest:

“I was wrong.”

Not, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Not, “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

Not, “Fine. I’m sorry. Can we just drop it now?”

I was wrong. Please forgive me.

Pride can make those words surprisingly difficult.

Ephesians 4:31–32 (NLT) says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Notice that our standard for forgiveness isn’t whatever seems fair to us at the moment. Paul takes us directly back to Christ.

We forgive because we have been forgiven.

That does not mean pretending nothing happened. Forgiveness doesn’t eliminate accountability, and it doesn’t require someone to remain in danger or accept repeated harmful behavior. But in the ordinary offenses and disappointments that occur between two imperfect people, followers of Jesus should know how to repent, forgive, extend grace, and change their behavior.

If neither person can admit being wrong while you’re dating, don’t expect wedding vows to suddenly produce humility.

Ask Yourself Some Hard Questions Too

It is tempting to read a teaching like this and immediately start grading the man you’re dating.

Don’t do that without examining yourself.

How do you behave when you’re angry?

Do you bring up things he did six months ago because you’re losing today’s argument?

Do you interrupt?

Do you assume motives instead of asking questions?

Do you punish him emotionally?

Do you expect him to read your mind and then become angry because he didn’t?

Do you apologize?

Can you receive correction?

Can you admit that sometimes—yes, sometimes—you are the problem?

Following Jesus requires humility from both of you.

Philippians 2:3–5 (NKJV) tells us, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus.”

That is the mind of Christ, and it should affect the way we handle conflict.

Marriage cannot thrive when two people are constantly protecting their own position. There will be times when you need to put aside your desire to have the last word and actually listen. There will be times when he needs to do the same. There will be times when one of you has misunderstood the other, and there will be times when one of you is simply wrong.

Humility gives us room to say, “Help me understand what you’re saying,” instead of immediately preparing our defense.

This matters, because marriage isn’t supposed to become a contest between two people trying to determine whose needs, opinions, and preferences matter most. A Christian marriage should increasingly reflect two people learning to submit themselves to Jesus Christ and allowing Him to change how they respond to one another.

Don’t Just Ask Whether You Love Each Other

Before you say “I do,” ask some better questions.

Can we disagree and still treat each other with respect?

Can I tell him the truth without being afraid of his reaction?

Can he tell me something difficult without me becoming defensive or punishing him for it?

What happens when one of us is angry?

Can we stop an argument before it becomes destructive and come back to the conversation when we’re calmer?

Can we apologize without attaching an excuse?

Can we forgive without storing the offense for use in the next argument?

Do we listen to understand each other, or do we listen long enough to figure out what we’re going to say next?

Are there subjects we avoid because we already know they will cause a blowup?

And perhaps one of the most important questions: When we’re both convinced we’re right, are we willing to submit what we want to what Jesus Christ requires of us?

Don’t rush through those questions because you’re in love.

Love matters. Attraction matters. Friendship matters. Enjoying one another matters. But none of those things will teach you how someone responds when they’re disappointed, frustrated, corrected, inconvenienced, or hurt. You learn those things by paying attention over time.

Give Yourself Time to See What Is True

This is one reason I don’t believe women should feel pressured to hurry toward marriage simply because a relationship appears promising.

You need time to see each other.

Not the polished version presented during the first few dates. Not the person who is trying very hard to make a good impression. You need enough ordinary life together to begin seeing how both of you respond when things aren’t quite so wonderful.

And when something concerning shows itself, don’t immediately explain it away because you want the relationship to work.

Neither should you demand perfection. There isn’t a perfect Christian man waiting somewhere for a perfect Christian woman to find him. We are all growing. We all have weaknesses. We all have areas where the Holy Spirit is still working on us.

The issue is not perfection.

The issue is whether there is humility, repentance, teachability, self-control, and evidence that Jesus Christ truly has authority in our lives.

There is a tremendous difference between a person who fails and says, “Lord, change me,” and a person who repeatedly hurts others and insists everybody else is the problem.

Learn to recognize the difference.

Let Jesus Christ Teach You How to Love

Preparing for marriage is about much more than preparing for a wedding day. You’re preparing to share everyday life with another human being. That means eventually encountering each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. You will not always agree. You will not always understand each other immediately. There will probably be moments when both of you are tired, irritated, and absolutely convinced the other person is being unreasonable.

And Jesus will still be Lord.

That is what we have to remember.

His Word doesn’t stop governing our behavior because we’re upset. His command to love doesn’t disappear because our feelings have been hurt. His call to humility doesn’t apply only when the other person deserves it. Following Christ reaches right into the middle of our disagreements and asks us to respond differently because we belong to Him.

Before you say “I do,” don’t just ask yourself whether the two of you have conflict. Ask what your conflict reveals. Does it reveal two people who must always have their own way? Or two people who are learning to listen? Does it reveal pride that refuses correction? Or humility that can admit wrong? Does it reveal behavior that frightens, controls, or diminishes one person? If so, take that seriously.

Or does it reveal two imperfect people who sometimes get it wrong but are willing to repent, forgive, grow, and bring themselves back under the authority of Jesus Christ?

You are not looking for a relationship without disagreement. You are looking at whether the two of you are becoming people who know what to do with disagreement when it comes. Before you make a covenant with one another, make sure you are both learning to bow to the One who will always be Head. Because when Jesus Christ is truly Head, neither husband nor wife gets to make himself or herself lord. ■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Learn How to Handle Conflict”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!