Dating & Discernment
You don’t have to turn off your heart
to use wisdom.
Dating Is About More Than Finding
Someone You Like
There is nothing wrong with wanting chemistry, enjoying someone’s company, or hoping a relationship will grow into something more. Dating should be enjoyable. But when you are considering whether someone could eventually become your husband, “Do I like him?” cannot be the only question you are asking.
Dating gives you an opportunity to learn who someone really is. How does he treat people? What happens when he is disappointed or doesn’t get his way? Can he admit when he is wrong? Does he respect your boundaries? And when he says he loves Jesus, can you see evidence of that relationship in the way he actually lives?
Discernment doesn’t mean becoming suspicious, analyzing everything he says, or looking for something to be wrong. It means learning to pay attention. You can enjoy getting to know someone while still giving yourself enough time to see what is actually there.
“The simple believes every word,
But the prudent considers well his steps.”
— Proverbs 14:15, NKJV
Learn to Look Beyond the First Impression
A first impression can tell you that you’re attracted to someone, that conversation comes easily, or that you’d really like to see him again. Those things matter. But they cannot tell you everything you need to know. Some things can only be learned with time.
Character Over First Impression
Charm can make a wonderful first impression. Character is what remains after the first impression wears off.
Pay attention to consistency. Is he honest? Does he keep his word? Is he kind when there is nothing to gain from being kind? Can he take responsibility for his choices? You aren’t looking for a perfect man. You’re looking at the kind of man he is becoming and whether his life consistently reflects what he says he believes.
Discernment Over Assumptions
You don’t have to decide after three great dates that God sent him. You also don’t have to figure out immediately where the relationship is going.
Pray, but also observe. Ask questions. Listen to his answers. Notice patterns instead of building conclusions from isolated moments. Give yourself permission to learn what is true before deciding what you want the relationship to become.
Wisdom Over Chemistry
Chemistry is wonderful when it’s there. Enjoy it. Just don’t ask it to tell you things it cannot possibly know.
Attraction cannot tell you whether a man is trustworthy, emotionally mature, spiritually grounded, or prepared for marriage. Your feelings deserve a seat at the table. They just shouldn’t be running the meeting.
You Don’t Need a Sign for Everything. Sometimes You Need to Pay Attention.
When you really like someone, it is surprisingly easy to make everything mean something. He called right after you prayed. You both love the same worship song. Your friend mentioned marriage the day after your first date. Before long, ordinary moments can start feeling like confirmation that God is telling you, “This is him.”
God can certainly direct us, and we should absolutely pray about the people we date. But discernment is not about trying to decode every coincidence or waiting for some extraordinary sign. God has already given us tremendous wisdom in His Word about character, love, honesty, self-control, humility, wisdom and the kind of fruit our lives should produce.
So while you’re praying, keep your eyes open too. Watch what happens over time. Listen carefully when he talks about his faith, his past, his family and his plans for the future. Notice whether his actions consistently agree with his words. Pay attention to how he responds when you disagree, when you say no, or when things don’t go the way he expected.
“You will know them by their fruits.”
Matthew 7:16 (NKJV)
Some Things Are Worth Looking At More Closely
Learn to Look Beyond the First Impression
A first impression can tell you that you’re attracted to someone, that conversation comes easily, or that you’d really like to see him again. Those things matter. But they cannot tell you everything you need to know. Some things can only be learned with time.
BOUNDARIES
Healthy boundaries don’t get in the way of a good relationship. They help you discover whether respect, patience, and self-control are actually present. A man who respects you will not continually pressure you to compromise what you have decided before God.
RED FLAGS
Not every flaw is a red flag, and nobody you date will be perfect. But repeated dishonesty, controlling behavior, disrespect, uncontrolled anger, manipulation, or a refusal to take responsibility should never be minimized simply because there are other things about him you really like.
SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY
Calling himself a Christian is a beginning—not the end of the conversation. Pay attention to what following Jesus actually looks like in his everyday life. His relationship with Christ should eventually be visible in his choices, priorities, character, and the way he treats other people.
COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT
You can learn a great deal about a relationship when the two of you disagree. Can you talk without attacking each other? Can he listen, apologize, and admit when he is wrong? Healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free. What matters is how you handle conflict and what happens afterward.
He Says He’s a Christian,
But Is There Fruit?
It’s easy to say, “I’m a Christian.” But when you’re considering a relationship, you need more than a label. Jesus taught us to look at fruit.
That doesn’t mean expecting perfection or keeping a spiritual scorecard on the man you’re dating. It means giving yourself enough time to see whether what he says he believes is showing up in how he lives. How does he treat people? What happens when he’s frustrated? Can he admit when he’s wrong? Is there evidence that his relationship with Jesus is actually shaping the man he is becoming?
Before you become deeply invested in who you hope he might be, take the time to see who he is.
Don’t Let Your Heart Get Too Far Ahead
of What You Know
It is possible to become emotionally invested in a relationship before you have had enough time to really know the person.
Enjoy getting to know him, but give yourself time to see what is true. You don’t have to fill in the blanks, explain away what concerns you, or turn potential into character that hasn’t developed yet.
Sometimes wisdom simply says, “I like what I see so far, but I’m still paying attention.”
“The heart of the prudent
acquires knowledge,
And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.”
— Proverbs 18:15, NKJV
Keep Learning. Keep Paying Attention.
Dating will bring up questions you didn’t know you had—and sometimes reveal things about yourself that you hadn’t noticed either. You don’t need to have all the answers before you date, but you do want to keep growing in wisdom.
These teachings are here to help you think biblically, recognize what matters, ask better questions, and make relationship decisions without allowing either fear or feelings to do all the talking.
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You Don’t Have to Rush to Know
You can like him. You can enjoy getting to know him. You can be excited about where the relationship might go without deciding today where it has to end up.
Give yourself time to pray, ask questions, watch the fruit, and pay attention to what God is showing you. A relationship worth building does not need you to rush past wisdom in order to keep it.
And if you don’t know yet, it’s okay not to know yet. Keep walking with God. Keep your heart open. Let time reveal what you cannot see today.
Find A Christian Man 