We Might As Well Talk About It
So, how far is too far?
You knew we were going to have to get here eventually.
Because Christians can get very creative with this particular question. We know what the Bible says about sex outside of marriage, so then comes the negotiation. Okay, but what about this? What about that? How much kissing? Where can we touch? Can I stay over if nothing happens? What if we’re engaged? What if we’re practically married? And somewhere in there I think we have to admit that sometimes we’re not really asking God where the boundary is. We’re asking Him how close we can get to it without Him calling foul. That’s a different question. And I don’t think that’s how people who genuinely want to honor God should approach this. 1Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee sexual immorality.” Flee. Not investigate it. Not sit beside it and see how everybody feels. Flee. God created sexual desire, so there is nothing dirty about being strongly attracted to somebody. Thank God you’re attracted to the person you’re considering marrying. But just because a desire is good doesn’t mean it gets to have whatever it wants whenever it wants it.
Please Don’t Wait Until 11:47 P.M. to Discover Your Boundaries
You need to know your boundaries before you need your boundaries. Please don’t wait until the lights are low, you’re alone, you’ve been kissing for twenty minutes, and everybody’s breathing has changed to suddenly announce, “We should probably talk about what we’re comfortable with.” Friend, that meeting should have been held several hours ago. Maybe several weeks ago. You already know more about yourself than you sometimes want to admit. If long kissing sessions make it very difficult for you to stop, then stop having long kissing sessions. If being in his bedroom is a problem, you don’t need forty days of prayer about whether you should keep going into his bedroom. If spending the night keeps turning into almost, stop spending the night.
And let’s include the phone while we’re here. Sexting is sexual. Sending intimate pictures is sexual. Having explicit conversations and then congratulating yourselves because nobody physically touched anybody is playing games with yourself. Romans 13:14 tells us to “make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” Sometimes maturity is not needing God to send a lightning bolt. Just keep it real. Because you already know exactly what keeps happening.
And women, we don’t get to put all of this on him. I know we talk a lot about whether a man will respect your boundaries, and we absolutely should. But you need boundaries too. He is not the designated keeper of everybody’s self-control simply because he’s the man. 1Thessalonians 4 tells believers to control their own bodies in holiness and honor. Your body. Your choices. Your responsibility before God. His body. His choices. His responsibility before God. Now, if you tell a man, “I’m not comfortable doing that,” and he keeps pouting, negotiating, getting irritated, or trying again every time the opportunity comes up, don’t dismiss it as he just wants me so badly. No ma’am. Pay attention.
You just learned something important: how he responds when you tell him no. Does he respect your boundary, or does he keep pushing until he hopes you’ll give in? Because a man’s response to your conviction tells you something about his character. That is relationship information. Put it in the file.
And Please Don’t Confuse Being Wanted With Being Loved
This one can get us. A man can want you desperately and still not love you well. Those are not the same thing. Sexual desire can be intense, flattering, intoxicating, and very convincing. It can make you feel chosen. It can make a relationship feel much deeper than it actually is. And sometimes we read a man’s inability to keep his hands off us as evidence of how powerful the relationship must be. It’s possible. Or maybe he really, really likes touching you. Let’s not make it more spiritual than it is.
And the reverse is true too. If a Christian man pulls back, establishes a boundary, or says, “We need to stop,” don’t immediately decide he isn’t attracted to you. He may be extremely attracted to you. Self-control only means something when there is actually something you want. Galatians 5:22–23 calls self-control fruit of the Spirit. There is something beautiful about a man or woman being able to say, “Yes, I want you. And because I belong to Christ, wanting you is not enough reason for me to do whatever I feel like doing with you.”
So where exactly is the line? I can’t give you a chart. The Bible doesn’t tell us that a seven-second kiss is holy and a twelve-second kiss requires repentance. And I am very glad it doesn’t, because we would have turned that into foolishness by Tuesday.
What Scripture gives us is better: flee sexual immorality, walk by the Spirit, practice self-control, pursue holiness, and honor God with your body. So maybe instead of constantly asking, “Can we do this?” we need to ask, “What is this doing to us?”
Does it make self-control harder? Is it repeatedly taking you right to the edge and daring you to stop? Are you creating sexual appetites every Friday night that you have no righteous way to satisfy? Are you honoring each other, or are you helping each other rationalize how close you can get without technically crossing the line?
Because that matters. The question isn’t simply whether an act is technically allowed. The question is whether what you’re doing is helping you practice holiness or making holiness harder to practice.
Attraction is good. Desire is real. And boundaries aren’t punishment for having either one. They’re what wisdom looks like when two people can honestly say, “We want each other. We love Jesus. And we’re not foolish enough to pretend those two realities don’t require us to make some decisions.”
“How Far Is Too Far? Let’s Talk About Boundaries”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!
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