Before You Say “I Do”: Learn How to Handle Conflict

You can learn quite a bit about a relationship when everything is going well. You can learn even more when it isn’t.

It’s easy to be loving when you’re having dinner at your favorite restaurant, laughing at each other’s jokes, texting good morning, and talking about how wonderful your future is going to be. But sooner or later, one of you is going to say something the other doesn’t like. Somebody is going to be disappointed. Somebody is going to forget something, misunderstand something, spend money the other person thinks should have been saved, or have an opinion the other person simply does not agree with.

Welcome to relationships.

Before you marry someone, you need to know what happens when the two of you disagree. And you need to pay attention not only to what he does, but to what you do too. Marriage preparation is not an opportunity to put a man under a microscope while giving ourselves a pass. Both people bring habits, attitudes, expectations, strengths, weaknesses, and some measure of selfishness into a relationship. That is one reason Jesus Christ must be Head. No one else is qualified for the position.

Colossians 1:18 (NLT) tells us, “Christ is also the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So he is first in everything.”

If Christ is first in everything, He cannot become secondary when we’re angry. That sounds obvious until you’re in the middle of an argument and you know you’re right.

Conflict Doesn’t Mean Something Is Wrong

Some women get scared when there’s disagreement because somewhere along the way, we started believing that a healthy relationship should be peaceful all the time. No arguing. No hard conversations. No hurt feelings. Just peace.

Then there are women who grew up with so much arguing, yelling, shutting down, and hurtful words that conflict feels normal. It’s what they know, so they may not even recognize how unhealthy it is. But neither extreme gives us a healthy picture of what God wants for our relationships. Real relationships will have disagreements. The issue isn’t whether we disagree. It’s how we handle each other when we do.

Two people can sincerely love Jesus and still disagree. You were not raised in the same house. You haven’t had the same experiences. You may not communicate the same way. You won’t necessarily have the same opinions about money, family, parenting, household responsibilities, careers, church involvement, or a hundred other things.

The question isn’t whether you will disagree. You will.

The question is what happens to your Christian character when you do.

James 1:19–20 (NLT) says, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

That’s a powerful Scripture for two people considering marriage because God doesn’t merely tell us not to be angry. He tells us to listen. He tells us to slow down. And then He tells us something we really need to remember: our anger does not produce His righteousness.

There are times when we have legitimate reasons to be upset. Something was said that shouldn’t have been said. A promise wasn’t kept. A boundary was crossed. Your feelings were hurt. The issue may need to be addressed, but being right about the issue does not give either person permission to behave wrong while addressing it.

Jesus is still Head.

Pay Attention to What Happens When One of You Doesn’t Get Your Way

Dating gives you an opportunity to observe things that become very important in marriage.

What happens when you say no?

What happens when he wants something and you disagree?

What happens when plans change?

What happens when you tell him something he did hurt you?

Can he hear you without immediately defending himself? Can you hear him without doing the same?

Does one of you have to win every disagreement?

Does either of you become sarcastic, insulting, intimidating, or cruel? Does somebody disappear for three days and refuse to communicate? Does one person threaten to end the relationship whenever things aren’t going well? Does one person punish the other with silence until they finally give in?

Please don’t call unhealthy behavior “just the way we communicate.”

And certainly don’t assume marriage will fix it.

Marriage usually gives existing patterns more opportunities to show themselves.

This is also where we need wisdom about the difference between ordinary conflict and behavior that should never be normalized. Threats, intimidation, controlling behavior, humiliation, physical aggression, sexual coercion, destroying property, monitoring someone’s movements, or making someone afraid are not communication problems that require a better conflict-resolution technique. Those are serious warning signs. Marriage preparation should never teach a woman to become better at tolerating mistreatment.

Can You Tell the Truth in This Relationship?

Healthy conflict requires honesty. Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) tells us to “speak the truth in love.” Both parts matter. Some people emphasize truth while forgetting love. They pride themselves on “telling it like it is,” while leaving wounded people everywhere they go. Other people emphasize keeping the peace so much that they avoid difficult conversations altogether.

Neither approach prepares us well for marriage.

You need to be able to say, “That hurt me.”

You need to be able to say, “I don’t agree.”

You need to be able to say, “I’m concerned about this.”

You need to be able to ask, “Why did you make that decision without talking to me?”

And the person you’re considering marrying needs that same freedom with you. A relationship where one person is constantly walking on eggshells is not healthy simply because there isn’t much arguing. Sometimes there isn’t much arguing because one person has learned that telling the truth costs too much.

Pay attention to that.

Learn How to Apologize Before You Get Married

One of the most important sentences in marriage will probably be one of the simplest:

“I was wrong.”

Not, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Not, “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

Not, “Fine. I’m sorry. Can we just drop it now?”

I was wrong. Please forgive me.

Pride can make those words surprisingly difficult.

Ephesians 4:31–32 (NLT) says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Notice that our standard for forgiveness isn’t whatever seems fair to us at the moment. Paul takes us directly back to Christ.

We forgive because we have been forgiven.

That does not mean pretending nothing happened. Forgiveness doesn’t eliminate accountability, and it doesn’t require someone to remain in danger or accept repeated harmful behavior. But in the ordinary offenses and disappointments that occur between two imperfect people, followers of Jesus should know how to repent, forgive, extend grace, and change their behavior.

If neither person can admit being wrong while you’re dating, don’t expect wedding vows to suddenly produce humility.

Ask Yourself Some Hard Questions Too

It is tempting to read a teaching like this and immediately start grading the man you’re dating.

Don’t do that without examining yourself.

How do you behave when you’re angry?

Do you bring up things he did six months ago because you’re losing today’s argument?

Do you interrupt?

Do you assume motives instead of asking questions?

Do you punish him emotionally?

Do you expect him to read your mind and then become angry because he didn’t?

Do you apologize?

Can you receive correction?

Can you admit that sometimes—yes, sometimes—you are the problem?

Following Jesus requires humility from both of you.

Philippians 2:3–5 (NKJV) tells us, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus.”

That is the mind of Christ, and it should affect the way we handle conflict.

Marriage cannot thrive when two people are constantly protecting their own position. There will be times when you need to put aside your desire to have the last word and actually listen. There will be times when he needs to do the same. There will be times when one of you has misunderstood the other, and there will be times when one of you is simply wrong.

Humility gives us room to say, “Help me understand what you’re saying,” instead of immediately preparing our defense.

This matters, because marriage isn’t supposed to become a contest between two people trying to determine whose needs, opinions, and preferences matter most. A Christian marriage should increasingly reflect two people learning to submit themselves to Jesus Christ and allowing Him to change how they respond to one another.

Don’t Just Ask Whether You Love Each Other

Before you say “I do,” ask some better questions.

Can we disagree and still treat each other with respect?

Can I tell him the truth without being afraid of his reaction?

Can he tell me something difficult without me becoming defensive or punishing him for it?

What happens when one of us is angry?

Can we stop an argument before it becomes destructive and come back to the conversation when we’re calmer?

Can we apologize without attaching an excuse?

Can we forgive without storing the offense for use in the next argument?

Do we listen to understand each other, or do we listen long enough to figure out what we’re going to say next?

Are there subjects we avoid because we already know they will cause a blowup?

And perhaps one of the most important questions: When we’re both convinced we’re right, are we willing to submit what we want to what Jesus Christ requires of us?

Don’t rush through those questions because you’re in love.

Love matters. Attraction matters. Friendship matters. Enjoying one another matters. But none of those things will teach you how someone responds when they’re disappointed, frustrated, corrected, inconvenienced, or hurt. You learn those things by paying attention over time.

Give Yourself Time to See What Is True

This is one reason I don’t believe women should feel pressured to hurry toward marriage simply because a relationship appears promising.

You need time to see each other.

Not the polished version presented during the first few dates. Not the person who is trying very hard to make a good impression. You need enough ordinary life together to begin seeing how both of you respond when things aren’t quite so wonderful.

And when something concerning shows itself, don’t immediately explain it away because you want the relationship to work.

Neither should you demand perfection. There isn’t a perfect Christian man waiting somewhere for a perfect Christian woman to find him. We are all growing. We all have weaknesses. We all have areas where the Holy Spirit is still working on us.

The issue is not perfection.

The issue is whether there is humility, repentance, teachability, self-control, and evidence that Jesus Christ truly has authority in our lives.

There is a tremendous difference between a person who fails and says, “Lord, change me,” and a person who repeatedly hurts others and insists everybody else is the problem.

Learn to recognize the difference.

Let Jesus Christ Teach You How to Love

Preparing for marriage is about much more than preparing for a wedding day. You’re preparing to share everyday life with another human being. That means eventually encountering each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. You will not always agree. You will not always understand each other immediately. There will probably be moments when both of you are tired, irritated, and absolutely convinced the other person is being unreasonable.

And Jesus will still be Lord.

That is what we have to remember.

His Word doesn’t stop governing our behavior because we’re upset. His command to love doesn’t disappear because our feelings have been hurt. His call to humility doesn’t apply only when the other person deserves it. Following Christ reaches right into the middle of our disagreements and asks us to respond differently because we belong to Him.

Before you say “I do,” don’t just ask yourself whether the two of you have conflict. Ask what your conflict reveals. Does it reveal two people who must always have their own way? Or two people who are learning to listen? Does it reveal pride that refuses correction? Or humility that can admit wrong? Does it reveal behavior that frightens, controls, or diminishes one person? If so, take that seriously.

Or does it reveal two imperfect people who sometimes get it wrong but are willing to repent, forgive, grow, and bring themselves back under the authority of Jesus Christ?

You are not looking for a relationship without disagreement. You are looking at whether the two of you are becoming people who know what to do with disagreement when it comes. Before you make a covenant with one another, make sure you are both learning to bow to the One who will always be Head. Because when Jesus Christ is truly Head, neither husband nor wife gets to make himself or herself lord. ■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Learn How to Handle Conflict”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!