Before You Say “I Do”: Pay Attention to Character, Not Just Compatibility

It feels wonderful to meet someone you click with. You enjoy the same things, conversation comes easily, you laugh together, and somehow three hours can pass without either of you noticing. You may share similar goals, enjoy the same kind of music, attend church together, and even discover that you both hate tomatoes. Wonderful. You have found your person.

Well, maybe.

Compatibility matters in a relationship, but it cannot tell you everything you need to know about someone you are considering marrying. You can have great chemistry with a person whose character is not strong enough to sustain a healthy marriage. You can have plenty in common with someone who is irresponsible, dishonest, selfish, controlling, or unwilling to grow.

Before you say “I do,” pay attention to more than how well the two of you get along. Pay attention to who both of you are becoming under the authority of Jesus Christ.

Character Shows Up in Ordinary Life

Jesus tells us in Luke 6:43–44 (NKJV), “For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit.”

Fruit takes time to see.

Anyone can make a good impression for a while. Dating tends to put us on our best behavior anyway. We dress a little better, exercise a little more patience, and may even pretend we don’t mind something that is actually driving us crazy. But eventually ordinary life starts showing up, and that is when you need to pay attention.

How does he treat people who cannot do anything for him? Does he keep his word? Does he take responsibility for his choices? How does he respond when somebody corrects him? Is he dependable? Does he tell the truth when telling the truth may cost him something?

And while you’re watching him, remember that he is getting an opportunity to see your character too.

Marriage isn’t about finding someone with enough character to compensate for everything we refuse to address in ourselves. Both people need to be growing.

Don’t Confuse Personality With Character

Sometimes we give people credit for character when what we’re actually seeing is personality.

A man can be charming without being kind. He can be outgoing without being loving. He can be quiet without being humble. He can be successful without being responsible. He can know how to quote Scripture without living under its authority.

And yes, a man can attend church faithfully without Jesus Christ actually being Lord over the way he lives.

Galatians 5:22–23 (NLT) gives us something much more substantial to look for: “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Those qualities matter tremendously in marriage.

Think about what patience looks like when two people disagree. Think about faithfulness when temptation comes. Think about kindness when one spouse is struggling. Think about gentleness when difficult truth needs to be spoken. Think about self-control when somebody is angry.

The fruit of the Spirit isn’t a nice list for Sunday school. This is what the Holy Spirit produces in people who are yielding their lives to Him, and those qualities will affect the kind of husband or wife we become.

Watch What Happens When Life Doesn’t Cooperate

Character is often easiest to recognize when a person doesn’t get what he wants.

Pay attention to disappointment. Pay attention to inconvenience. Pay attention when plans fall apart. Pay attention when he has to wait, when somebody tells him no, when he makes a mistake, or when someone else receives the opportunity he wanted.

Pressure doesn’t create everything we see in a person, but it has a way of revealing what was already there.

The same is true for us.

We shouldn’t spend the entire dating relationship studying a man’s reactions while ignoring our own. What comes out of you when you’re disappointed? How do you behave when you’re jealous? Can you celebrate someone else’s success? Do you manipulate situations to get your way? Can you be trusted with someone else’s vulnerability? Do you keep your commitments when keeping them becomes inconvenient?

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

Guarding your heart doesn’t mean becoming suspicious of everyone who wants to love you. It means using wisdom about what and whom you allow to influence the direction of your life.

Marriage certainly does that.

Pay Attention to How a Person Handles Being Wrong

One of the strongest signs of character isn’t never getting anything wrong. None of us could pass that test.

Look for what happens afterward.

Can he admit he was wrong without somebody producing seventeen pieces of evidence? Can he apologize? Can he receive correction without attacking the person who corrected him? Does he make changes, or does he apologize repeatedly for the same behavior while expecting everyone around him to keep accepting it?

Repentance is more than saying, “I’m sorry.”

A person submitted to Jesus Christ should be willing to be changed by Him.

That doesn’t mean change happens overnight. We all have areas where growth takes time. But there should be a difference between someone who is struggling while sincerely allowing God to work in him and someone who uses grace as an excuse to remain exactly as he is.

And again, turn the question around.

Are you teachable?

Can God correct you through His Word? Can another person point something out without you immediately explaining why it wasn’t really your fault? Are you willing to grow in areas that may be uncomfortable?

If we’re preparing for Christian marriage, these questions belong to both of us.

Don’t Marry Potential

Potential can be exciting because it allows us to imagine who someone could become.

But you aren’t marrying the man he might be five years from now.

You’re marrying the man who is standing in front of you.

Certainly people grow. We should expect followers of Jesus to grow. You may look back ten years into marriage and thank God for what He has developed in both of you. But it is dangerous to enter marriage already depending upon major changes that have not happened.

If he becomes more responsible, this will work.

If he gets serious about God, this will work.

If he learns to control his anger, this will work.

If he stops lying, this will work.

Those are not small matters.

Don’t make a lifelong covenant with an imaginary future version of someone while ignoring the character of the person you actually know.

Look for Someone Who Is Following Christ

The goal isn’t to find a flawless man. You won’t.

And he won’t find a flawless woman either.

The better question is whether you see evidence of a life that belongs to Jesus Christ. Is he becoming more loving? More truthful? More responsible? More self-controlled? Is there humility in him? Is there evidence that when Christ confronts an area of his life, he is willing to surrender it?

Then ask those same questions about yourself.

Christian marriage isn’t sustained because two compatible people happened to find each other. There will be seasons when you don’t feel particularly compatible at all. Life changes. People grow. Circumstances change. The qualities you thought were adorable while dating may occasionally get on your last nerve after marriage.

Character goes deeper.

Before you say “I do,” give yourself enough time to see more than the person you enjoy dating. Watch how he lives. Watch how he treats people. Watch how he responds to God. Watch what happens when life doesn’t go his way.

And let him see the real you too.

You are both preparing for something much bigger than a wedding. You are preparing to make a covenant before God and build a life together under the headship of Jesus Christ.

Compatibility may help you enjoy the journey.

Character will have a great deal to do with how you walk it.■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Pay Attention to Character, Not Just Compatibility”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!