Before You Say “I Do”: Talk About the Life You’re Actually Going to Build

When two people begin seriously talking about marriage, the conversation can get exciting pretty quickly. You talk about rings, weddings, where you might live, and maybe even what your children will look like. You know you love each other. You believe God brought you together. You both want to get married. So, what else is there to talk about?

Quite a bit, actually.

Before you say “I do,” you need to talk about the life you’re actually going to build together. Marriage isn’t lived at the wedding. It’s lived on regular Tuesdays when somebody is tired, bills need to be paid, dinner has to be figured out, somebody’s mother wants you to come over, the baby has been crying for two hours, and you both have different ideas about what should happen next.

That may not sound particularly romantic, but it is real life. And if Jesus Christ is going to be Head of your marriage, then you need to begin thinking beyond how much you love each other and start talking honestly about how the two of you intend to live under His authority.

Luke 14:28 (NLT) says, “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?”

Jesus was teaching about the cost of discipleship, not giving premarital counseling. But the principle should certainly make us think. Jesus was telling people not to make a serious commitment without first understanding what that commitment would require of them. He told people who wanted to follow Him to understand what they were agreeing to.

Marriage deserves serious thought too.

Talk About More Than the Wedding

One of the easiest mistakes couples can make is assuming that because they agree about marriage, they agree about married life.

They don’t necessarily.

You may both want children but have completely different ideas about raising them. One of you may believe a mother should stay home while the other assumes both spouses will always work. You may believe money should be combined immediately while he believes married people should maintain separate accounts. You may expect to spend every Christmas with your family while he assumes Christmas belongs to his.

Neither of you may discover these differences until you’re already married unless you talk about them.

Proverbs 24:3–4 (NLT) tells us, “A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.”

A strong home requires wisdom. Part of wisdom is being willing to ask questions before you’re forced to deal with the answers.

Talk about money. Not only about how much you earn, but what you owe. Do either of you have significant debt? What are your credit habits? Do you save? How do you feel about giving? How do you feel about paying tithes? What does each of you consider a large purchase? Who will handle the bills? What financial goals do you have?

And talk about your spiritual life together. How much time will you spend together in prayer and studying God’s Word? Is that a priority for you both?

Please don’t wait until after the honeymoon to discover that one of you is a saver and the other thinks a credit card is an emergency fund.

Talk About Family, Children, and Expectations

Family deserves its own conversation because when you marry someone, you don’t suddenly stop having parents, siblings, traditions, and family relationships.

How involved do you expect your families to be in your marriage? Are there relatives who routinely cross boundaries? How will you handle holidays? What happens if a parent becomes ill and needs care? Can either family member show up whenever they want? When family conflict occurs, how do you expect your spouse to respond?

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Leaving doesn’t mean abandoning or dishonoring our families. It does mean something changes when we marry. A new family unit is formed, and that relationship cannot remain secondary to Mom, Dad, siblings, or anybody else.

You also need to talk honestly about children. Do both of you want them? How many? What if having children proves difficult? What are your thoughts about adoption? How were each of you disciplined growing up, and what would you want to do differently? What do you believe about educating your children and raising them to know Jesus Christ?

These aren’t first-date questions. But they are certainly before-the-wedding questions.

Talk About What You Believe Marriage Requires

This conversation can become especially interesting because people sometimes use the same Christian words while meaning very different things.

You may both say you want a “biblical marriage.” Okay. What does that mean to each of you?

What does he believe being a husband requires of him? What do you believe being a wife requires of you? What does spiritual leadership look like in everyday life? How will major decisions be made? What happens when you genuinely disagree? What are your expectations concerning household responsibilities? Careers? Sex? Church involvement?

Don’t settle for Christian vocabulary. Talk about what those words will actually look like in your home.

Ephesians 5:21 (NKJV) begins this portion of Paul’s teaching with, “submitting to one another in the fear of God.” He then speaks directly to wives and husbands, and husbands are given an enormous standard: to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Whatever conversations we have about marital roles, they must remain under the authority and character of Jesus Christ. Christian marriage was never designed to give either person permission to become selfish, controlling, dismissive, or spiritually superior.

Jesus is Head.

That means both of you will have to surrender some things you want.

Talk About Sex Before Marriage Without Practicing It

Christian couples sometimes become so concerned about maintaining sexual boundaries before marriage that they avoid talking about sex altogether. Those are two different things.

You can honor God sexually and still have mature conversations about expectations for intimacy in marriage. In fact, you should.

What messages did each of you receive about sex growing up? Is either person carrying shame, fear, unrealistic expectations, or past experiences that may affect intimacy? Can you talk about the subject respectfully without pressure or embarrassment? Do both of you understand that sexual intimacy in marriage involves mutual care and consideration rather than entitlement?

You don’t need explicit conversations that stir up temptation. You do need enough maturity to recognize that sex will become part of your marriage, and silence before the wedding doesn’t guarantee understanding afterward.

Find Out Whether You Can Build Together

Amos 3:3 (NKJV) asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”

Agreement doesn’t mean two people will have identical opinions about everything. That isn’t realistic. What matters is whether your fundamental beliefs, expectations, and direction allow you to build one life together.

And this is where some difficult honesty may be required.

If you discover a significant disagreement, don’t rush to minimize it because the wedding is getting closer. Don’t tell yourself, We’ll figure it out, when what you really mean is, I hope he changes his mind. Maybe the issue can be worked through. Maybe you need Christian premarital counseling. Maybe you need more time. And yes, occasionally you may discover something important enough to reconsider whether marriage is wise.

It is better to face a difficult truth before marriage than spend years fighting a truth you refused to face because you wanted to get married.

Let Christ Have Authority Over the Life You’re Planning

There is one conversation underneath all the others: What does following Jesus Christ actually mean to each of you?

Not simply, “Are you a Christian?”

How does he follow Jesus when nobody is watching? How do you? What place does prayer have in your lives? When God’s Word conflicts with what either of you wants, are you willing to let God’s Word have the final say? Are you both teachable? Are you committed to a local church or fellowship? When God corrects you through His Word, are you willing to change?

A Christian marriage cannot depend upon one spouse dragging the other toward Christ.

You are going to make thousands of decisions together if God gives you many years of marriage. Some will be enormous, and many will seem insignificant. You cannot possibly discuss every situation before the wedding.

What you can determine is whether both of you recognize the same Head.

Marriage is not simply two people deciding, We want a life together. For believers, it is two followers of Jesus Christ preparing to join their lives while remaining submitted to Him.

So talk.

Talk about money. Talk about children. Talk about family. Talk about sex and intimacy. Talk about work, church, responsibilities, expectations, and the future. Ask questions you may be a little nervous to ask, and listen carefully to the answers.

You aren’t trying to eliminate every surprise from marriage. That’s impossible.

You’re trying to make sure that while the two of you are planning a wedding, you’re also preparing to build a life—and that Jesus Christ will have authority over the home you’re asking Him to help you build. ■

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Before You Say “I Do”: Talk About the Life You’re Actually Going to Build”, written by Alex for https://findchristianman.com, Copyright©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!