Tag: the Mind of Christ

Some women consider solidifying a relationship with a man to be a very intense thing. An old saying goes something like this, “What you do to get him, you’ve got to do to keep him.” This relic from back in the day is chock full of all sorts of innuendo, some of it not so virtuous if you get my drift, but it still drives the mentality that a lot of women have around relationships with men. Recently, I’ve been reminded of some of the habit patterns spun from this kind of thinking, and not only does it do a number on a sister’s self-esteem, but it will drown a relationship in a sea of resentment and insecurity.

There are not many feelings that compare to praying to receive something from God for an extended period, and then actually witnessing the manifestation of it. This is magnified exponentially when it comes to a blossoming romantic relationship. Problems creep in when we don’t hold to God’s standard, and acquiesce to what amounts to a flawed way of trying to maintain the blessing. Most of us have taken our cues from what we’ve seen in the past. We’ve looked at our mothers, aunts, cousins, and friends, and taken tidbits from them on how to handle certain situations. Believe it or not, many women are using television shows as a source of information and ‘how to’s’ for relationships and dating. A lot of this can be more harmful than helpful.

2Peter 1:3(NIV) tells us, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” This verse is so awesome that it’s almost too much to take in. God has provided everything for a Godly life. The way that He has chosen to do this is to make His life-giving truth available to us through the bible. By learning about God and His goodness, we can live a more than abundant life that is enriched by His glory.

This more than abundant life includes having a wonderful spouse that will love and honor us as God’s daughters. We don’t have to force anything, and we don’t have to feel as though we must manipulate, spy, or coerce; but often this is what we resort to, and we’ve figured out very cute ways of doing it.

We will call or text a brother 15 times a day, and convince ourselves that we’re just being caring and supportive, when in fact we’re acting out of insecurity. We don’t even give him a chance to miss us. Some of us will chase a man down if we sense that he’s not where he’s supposed to be when he’s supposed to be there. You can’t have eggs this fragile, and then place all of them in the basket of a person that is incapable of keeping them intact. Fragile things get broken.

You can call, text, and be on a man’s trail 24/7, but if you’re insecure and vulnerable in your heart, you are going to be disappointed at some point. In Matthew 22:37, Jesus Christ tells us how to sure up our hearts. He said we should love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength. We are to love God with our everything. When our hearts are secure in God, and we are loving Him the way that His Word instructs us to, we will become strong in heart and spirit. We’ll be so immersed in God’s grace and glory that we won’t have time to chase after another person; we’re too busy chasing God.

When it comes to handling and maintaining blessings, Heavenly Father has given us a framework of wisdom through His Word, and it is to seek Him in all things. This requires us to take our time, and to also be levelheaded enough to step back early in relationships, so that we can examine if it is the blessing we think it could be. We can dispense with the tricks and manipulations just to keep a man. All we have to do is trust the truth that God will bless us with someone that is honored to be with us, and everything that this brother does will reveal this to us in the most loving and secure way. ■

Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 “What to Do to Keep Him”, written for findchristianman.com©2019.  All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

The definition of love is described as the ultimate expression of God’s loyalty, purity, grace, and mercy that is extended towards His people. It is to be reflected in human relationships of brotherly concern, marital fidelity, and adoration of God. You really can’t get any better than this. Heavenly Father desires that we, as His beloved sons and daughters, spiritually grow to the point that we are able to demonstrate His kind of love. 1Corinthians 13:7 (The Message) tells us the way that God’s kind of love behaves. It says, “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

I heard a story recently of a newly married couple that had not allowed themselves to be fully developed in God’s love. The man often told his wife that he loved her with all his heart, and that he felt his love for her deeply in his soul, but on occasions when he’d get upset, he would ignore her for days. He would not speak to her and would intentionally do things to hurt her feelings. She expressed such heavy disappointment in his behavior and said that she had not seen this characteristic in him before they married. Both of these individuals are Christians, and yet neither were prepared for the complexities that come with marrying someone who has idiosyncrasies that are contrary to the ways of Christ.

Many of us are deceived, and do not realize the extent to which the enemy will attack a marital union. Spouses have very intimate information about each other; and therefore, have access to each other’s sorest and most vulnerable spots. When either of them allows the enemy to work through them in a heated argument or disagreement, the damage can cut deep, with wounds that are sometimes incredibly difficult to heal.

It should be no surprise to any Christian that the devil will attempt to use a spouse to go for the jugular. As a single person that is praying to cross the path of your future spouse, this is one of the most important reasons you need to pray unyieldingly that you are prepared for marriage. It is crucial that you know the difference between God’s love—real love, and a counterfeit love, because not being able to discern the two will cost you.

Any of us can tell a person all day long “I love you,” but the true story behind those words are found in what a person does, not so much in what they say. And we must be careful even about this element of distinction. Many sisters will take the smallest, most insignificant gesture from the object of their affection, and they will magnify it to make themselves comfortable with accepting less.

The greatest way for you to measure the quality of love that you’ll receive in a marriage is to take a bold, in depth, and ridiculously honest look at the love you give. Ultimately the love you give is the measure of love that will come back to you. Luke 6:38 (NLT) says, “Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” As believers who love and adore our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we must develop a habit pattern of love, giving, and sharing prior to taking that walk down the aisle. We should be so comfortable with a daily commitment of loving action that marriage is just a natural and organic extension of the way you live.■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright ©1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

“A Habit Pattern of Real Love”, written for findchristianman.com© 2019. All rights reserved. All praise and honor to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

Eleanor Roosevelt once wrote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I’ve always thought that this is a most profound piece of wisdom. It cuts right down to the meat of the matter. No one has power over you unless you give it to them. No one can make you feel inferior or be anything less than what you are unless you give away your authority in Christ Jesus. And so much of the time this is what happens with many women in relationships. We can become so infatuated with a man that all we see is the man and nothing else. Our world becomes wrapped around his thoughts, his feelings, and what he’s doing. We lose sight of everything else. Then, when he no longer respects the misplaced authority that we’ve handed over to him on a silver platter, we are left with deeply hurt feelings and a broken-heart. We trick ourselves into believing that our whole world is crumbling and falling apart, all because one human being has decided not to love us anymore. This is an absolute no-no! And I know that you know it and I know it too, but sometimes we need a refresher course. We need to remember that God made the heavens and the earth, and if we’re going to give over our hearts completely, it should only be to Him.

A whole lot of us start out thinking that it could never happen to us, and then it does. We become so wrapped up in the emotions of a relationship that we lose all sight of its true and Godly purpose. It’s so important to really do a mental, emotional and, most importantly, spiritual checkup to ensure that you will not let this happen. If at all possible, the time to do this is when you’re unmarried, so that you can develop your own special scale for measuring the spiritual balance that God expects from every mature woman of faith; it’s your way of making sure that you are prioritizing your relationship with God above all else.

Keep Your Daily Routines in Check
In developing a spiritual checkup for your life, examining your daily routines is a really important step. When it comes to all the demands on our time from home, work, and friends, often we just barely squeeze our spiritual well-being in sideways. Some of us only think about it one day a week, but it is important to do something that builds your spiritual endurance and strength in Christ on a daily basis. Faith is a muscle—a muscle that must be exercised in order to remain flexible and strong. Whether it’s reading and studying the Word, meditating on the goodness of God, or praying for more than 15 or 20 minutes; all of these or some version of a combination should be practiced daily.

Also understand that everything in your life right now is strategically positioned. The people, circumstances…your co-workers, church community, family, and band of friends—all are in your life on purpose. They provide opportunities for you to both be a blessing and receive a blessing. You want to make sure that you are getting your spiritual exercise in by spending time with the Lord daily; this is most important. But you also want to take time to sow those loving seeds of care into those who you love and who also love you.

Place God’s Agenda before Your Agenda
God said in Jeremiah 7:23 (NLT), “Obey me, and I will be your God, and you will be my people. Do everything as I say, and all will be well!” Heavenly Father has given us the gift and free-will. We make our own choices from day-to-day, and many people do this without so much as a thought regarding what God would have them to do. As born-again believers we cannot afford to live like that. We should awake each morning with a prayer on our lips, a prayer that seeks God for what we should do with our days. He holds our todays and tomorrows, and we need to check in with Him to ensure that we’re doing what He wants us to do, and not doing what He doesn’t want us to do.

It’s when we do not do what God wants us to do that we run into serious trouble. We start letting others control us and usurp our power in Christ. We let others dictate how we feel and respond to situations, and this is not what God wants. This is when your life starts to get off track, because you are placing another person or situation over your commitment to do what you know God requires. If you do what God tells you to do, He will see to it that you are blessed with the kind of relationship you desire. He’ll take care of your happiness, and see to it that you have peace and joy.

Balance Work, Rest, and Recreation
Ecclesiastes 3:1(NLT) tells us, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” There is time for all the things that are important to us, but the things of God come first. Certainly in a marital relationship this is one of the most important truths of our lives. In order to sustain a good relationship, you cannot cease or diminish your responsibilities to be a blessing to the body of Christ. You may, however, need to change the way in which you carry those responsibilities out. The important thing to remember here is that God will help you to balance work, rest, and recreation.

God is so pleased when we understand that we are only helped, and helped in the most advantageous ways, when we honor Him with our lives. This means that we dedicate ourselves to good work. James 3:13 (NLT) says “If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.” Work is very important to God. You have to maintain a great work ethic in order to please Him, and it is clear from God’s Word that we need to spend more time working than we do resting. The way to keep this all in balance is to lean on God. When we do what He requires, He will take care of all the rest. He’ll take care of our schedules, making sure that we have enough time for work, rest, and recreation.

Let me point you to a verse where one of the Word’s most magnificent pieces of truth just cuts right down to the chase. God says of Himself in Isaiah 66:1-3 (NLT) “Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Could you build me a temple as good as that? Could you build me such a resting place? My hands have made both heaven and earth; they and everything in them are mine. I, the LORD, have spoken! “I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts, who tremble at my word. But those who choose their own ways— delighting in their detestable sins— will not have their offerings accepted.”

This passage in Isaiah 66 is awesome beyond words. God declared His identity. He is speaking to us, letting us know exactly who He is. He’s God, the Creator of the universe. He’s our Heavenly Father. He is the most majestic, the most powerful. He is the Beginning and the End. We cannot bring Him down to our levels—nothing and no one deserves more praise and honor than our loving Heavenly Father. We must rise to see Him as the Great, Big Wonderful Father that He is.

God deserves to be number one in our lives. When a new man comes into your life, the things you do to demonstrate your reverence and honor for Heavenly Father should already be a habit pattern. The three, keeping your daily routines in check, placing God’s agenda in the number one spot, and balancing work, rest, and recreation, these are the things that honor God. They really ensure that you have the framework for maintaining your relationship with Him through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As a mature Christian woman, you don’t want to wait until you’re in the thick of a relationship before you begin to think about these aspects of your spiritual life, you want to do it now. You want to make a commitment to maintain your spiritual well-being in Christ, and the only way to do this is by making sure that God is pleased. Then meeting your husband will not send your life into an emotional tailspin; it will be the blessing it is designed by God to be. ■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Three Ways to Avoid An Emotional Tail Spin” written for FindingChristianMan.com ©2018.  All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! 

Many in modern society think it’s an antiquated notion for a man to be careful with a woman’s feelings and only seek to have a relationship with a woman he considers worthy of marriage. Heavenly Father is not interested in our opinions regarding the laws and statues He has created. They are drenched in His love and for our overall benefit. God’s standard is very clear, and His directive to any man seeking a relationship with a woman is to treat every woman with honor. It’s brilliant instruction, because the honor bestowed to the woman will be reciprocated. She will honor the man. God designed us to function this way in relationships. We learn very succinctly how wonderfully He has designed unity to work, and we also cultivate a deep appreciation for the blessing of unity in our relationships.  

When a man follows God’s standard of treating every woman with honor, he will never date two women at the same time. And as it relates to dating, he will endeavor to always be careful not to cause any emotional fractures to a woman’s heart. He will seek God to help him recognize the woman upon which he should invest his time, energy, and emotions. Seeking God is a requirement for everything in life, but it is especially important when pursuing and dating a potential partner. Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 6:33 to seek God’s Kingdom and God’s righteousness first, and in so doing, blessings will be added to us. All of us should make the righteousness of God our goal for handling the pursuit of relationships.  

I’ve personally known of situations involving two attractive, seemingly intelligent and well-suited people. They come together in a relationship, but ultimately the man just isn’t interested in making the woman his wife; and the woman was sure that he would be. Many women will want to continue the relationship under these circumstances, and will often pray for God to change the man’s heart. Heavenly Father is so loving and merciful to us, and His grace is amazing. But it is not wise on our part to ask God to help us continue to be dishonored.  

When the man has not lived up to God’s standard of how he should honorably behave towards the woman he’s in a relationship with, we must be willing to see this for what it is. It is very likely that he does not consider her worthy to be wifey. It would be wise for us, as women, to listen to what the man’s action, or lack thereof, is communicating. It is a very hard thing to accept, but if the man’s opinion of a woman is that she is good enough to date but not good enough to marry, it is often unproductive for her to continue hoping for him to change.  

1John 4:9-10(NLT) says, “God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” We are the apple of God’s eye. He loves us with an unyielding, unconditional, and limitless love. He wants the best for us always. There is never a time that God doesn’t want things to go well for us. He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, so that we could become His children, and have His Spirit abiding within us. The gifts of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are the greatest gifts that could ever be given in all of eternity. God saw fit to impart these gifts onto us. Heavenly Father will not help us lower ourselves. He helps us to go higher in Christ, so that we can see ourselves the way He sees us.  

Deep down a woman knows when she’s not being treated with the utmost honor and respect. When a relationship is in this condition, asking God to change the man’s heart means the woman has placed the emphasis on her perceived need for the man, and not on her need to see herself as deserving what God has for her. Spiritual maturity beckons us to grow beyond the practice of asking God to partner with our efforts to lower ourselves to the same level as a person’s low opinion of us.   

1 Peter 3:7 The Message (MSG) says, “The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” Again, God instructs the man to behave with honor towards women, so that when he marries, this honor is organically expressed out of a habit pattern he’s built in his manhood. As women, when our good appreciation of ourselves meets the standard of the example of Christ, it is inevitable that we will meet a man that will equal our standard. It’s not about the man giving you what you believe you deserve, but about you partnering with a man that helps you both remain in God’s plan and purpose for your lives.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

“Good Enough to Date but Not Good Enough to Marry” written for FindChristianMan.com©2018.  All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

A dear friend received her divorce a couple of weeks ago, and her separation period had been long and difficult. She wanted to have a conversation with me about what she would do differently. She admitted that from the very beginning of her marriage, she was overwhelmed with the responsibility of an expanded family; both she and her ex-husband had children from previous marriages. She had a lot of unresolved pain from her past, and she brought it into the relationship. She knew that I would be able to relate to this. I’ve learned that it’s best to be very frank and honest when it comes to tackling one’s emotional well-being. It’s something we must do, because entering new relationships with unresolved insecurities and pain can cause patterns and mistakes to be repeated. Healing requires us to confront the fear that keeps us trapped. We desperately need God’s guidance, and we need wise friends that give us good counsel and tell us the truth.

Marriage and dating are different dynamics in the eyes of God. This is something we must consider before we enter into the commitment of marriage, because God wants us to choose the person that He has ordained to be our partners. This isn’t always the person we date. We attempt to make it this way, and it’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Dating in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship doesn’t carry the same level of commitment and covenant in God’s eyes. It is a mistake to think that it does, and this is why many people give themselves license to have sexual intimacy in a relationship with a person that isn’t a destiny partner. It’s a dangerous move.

Sometimes we chose the wrong people to marry, and we end up getting wounded and wounding another. We must consider God’s heart when it comes to the relationships we chose. Christ instructs us in Matthew 6:33 to seek God and His righteousness first in ALL things.

The Pain of Divorce
Pain is pain, no matter how you slice it. Our heart’s break when our relationships are torn apart. But when it involves a failed marriage, the stakes are higher when it comes to our relationship with God, and a greater demand is on us to repair the damage of our souls His way. Heavenly Father sets the priorities for achieving wholeness, and often, we don’t consider them. Our inclination is to make our brokenness centerstage, without considering how the sacredness and unity of our relationship with God is impacted. And not just our individual relationship with the Father, but we also should have some level of understanding and empathy about what has happened to the ex’s relationship with God; considering whether the divorce has impeded the potential of his future elevation in the Lord as well.

This is the compassion and awareness that God expects to see reflected in the heart and mind of a Christian, because the love of Christ in us should bring us to this place. Keeping it real, many of us are not there. Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 6:33 to seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness first in all things. This is the priority. When something has gone terribly wrong, to the point that a marital union is severed, our first response should be to seek God. He knows every detail of our pain and struggle. He knows how to heal us in ways that will prevent the patterns or pathology that works against our ability to be whole.

In the case of divorce, our obligation to God is greater because we’ve asked Him to bless and join us together in marriage with another. This is truth, and truth is never meant to condemn or make someone feel bad, but to extend the tools of correction necessary to be better, so that God can be glorified. Divorce is an indicator of unresolved pain and toxic patterns. We need to be healed in places that only the Holy Spirit can reach.

First Step
It’s challenging to rally our emotions during divorce, but the Spirit will help us. Our first step in dealing with any degree of emotional distress, particularly divorce, should be to extend an earnest invitation to the Holy Spirit through the Lord Jesus Christ. We should repent, ask for Heavenly Father’s forgiveness, and invite the Holy Spirit to take control and bring us to a level of healing that places us exactly where the Father would have us to be.

Second Step
When something is broken, pieces fall to the ground. It hurts, because we feel the impact of them shattering. Typically, our first inclination is to pick them up. Every human being will do their very best to move towards wholeness. In so doing, we will make every attempt to recoup what we perceive as missing, and we often do this without the Spirit’s help. It cannot be done successfully without the Spirit’s guidance. He tells us what’s worth picking up, and what we need to leave on the ground.

Instead of trying to pick up the broken pieces ourselves, we must seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit continually. This requires you to have faith in Jeremiah 29:11(NLT), where God said, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Heavenly Father does not want you to remain in a state of sorrow, confusion, or condemnation. He wants you whole, pursuing your destiny, and functioning in the call of Christ. Know that despite what you’ve been through, wholeness in Christ is God’s plan for you, and the Holy Spirit will move you towards this goal, IF you are willing to be guided and led.

Third Step
Jesus Christ told us in John 16:13 that the Holy Spirit that indwells us will lead and guide us into all truth. The third step can be the most challenging, and it is absolutely crucial to your healing and wholeness. You must accept the truth, and you must do so with an attitude of releasing the shame that causes you to hide behind a lie. Divorce is a mirror for the pain that is in us. It’s not all the ex-spouse’s fault. They were a reflection of what we either couldn’t or wouldn’t see. It’s time to remove the veil.

The wisdom of Proverbs 15:22(NLT) states, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”  The Holy Spirit will lead you to the wise counsel of those who speak the truth. They may not do so in a way that cushions you or makes you comfortable, but you must hear the truth to heal. We cannot be healed by believing a lie about ourselves or about God’s goodness.

Be Whole
When the dust settles on any relationship that has gone wrong or ended, the look-back period can go as far as when you first met.  You start thinking about what attracted you to the ex and wonder to yourself how everything went from good to bad, then to ugly.  As women, we can be such emotional creatures. We’re not as kind to ourselves as we should be. God tells us that He’s the one that has plans for our future, but oftentimes, all we see is what’s staring us in the face. Usually, this limited vantage point will get us nowhere but knee-deep in regrets and negative thoughts. Look to your future positively through the promises of God. Renew a commitment to release the patterns and pathology that hold you back.

I recently sat in on a counseling session for a young Christian woman. It was about dating and preparation for marriage. The information I heard was so inspirational and wise, that I could only say to myself, I wish I had known this when I was her age. The wisdom she received was “You want to attract from a place of wholeness and maturity instead of from a place of weakness, because a marriage can’t be sustained on a shaky foundation!” God wants us to begin relationships from a place of wholeness. Have faith that this is His plan for your life. Give Him the time to work in you through the Holy Spirit, and trust in His process. Then you will be ready to move to the next level of growth and blessings He has in store for you.■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

“When Our Relationships Are Torn Apart” written by FACM, Finding A Christian Man.Com ©2018.  All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!

Spiritually preparing for marriage, Christian Advice for Singles, Growing in the Holy Spirit, Growing in Christ, the Mind of Christ, Spiritual Encouragement for Christian Women, Christian Women Ministry, Christian Women Organization