Build Unity Through the Words You Speak

Proverbs 13:3 (NLT)

“Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

Words have power, and they can change the course of our relationships. Through the words we speak, we can help to build unity, strengthen trust, encourage someone who is struggling, and bring peace into situations that could very easily go in another direction. We can also do the opposite. Our words can tear people down, create division, deepen hurt, and sometimes damage a relationship in ways that are very difficult to repair. Proverbs 13:3 tells us plainly that opening our mouths can ruin everything. This doesn’t mean we should be afraid to speak. It means we need to recognize that God has given us a responsibility to be careful about what comes out of our mouths.

Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 12:34 (NLT), “For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” This is one of the reasons our words tell us so much about where we are spiritually. We can try to dismiss something we’ve said by claiming that we were angry, frustrated, or didn’t really mean it, but Jesus teaches us that our words are connected to what is going on in our hearts. If bitterness has been allowed to sit in our hearts, sooner or later it will show up in our conversations. The same is true of jealousy, resentment, fear, and unforgiveness. We may not like admitting this, but sometimes the things that come out of our mouths are God’s way of showing us that there is something going on inside that we need to bring before Him.

This is especially true when we’ve been hurt in relationships. We can carry the pain of what someone did five or ten years ago into relationships with people who had absolutely nothing to do with it. Before we know it, we’re responding to a person standing in front of us based on something somebody else did years ago. We become suspicious when there is no reason to be suspicious, defensive when no one is attacking us, and angry about things that normally wouldn’t bother us that much. Then we wonder why there is so much tension in the relationship. God doesn’t want us dragging old wounds from one relationship into another. He wants to heal us, and part of that healing has to include the way we think and speak.

Philippians 4:6 (NLT) says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” God never tells us to pretend that we don’t have problems or that something doesn’t hurt when it does. He tells us to bring those things to Him. This is important because when we don’t take our worries, frustrations, disappointments, and fears to God, we have a tendency to take them out on other people. We say things we shouldn’t say and respond in ways that don’t represent Jesus Christ. Then, after the damage has been done, we wish we could take those words back.

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT) tells us, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” We need God’s peace operating in our hearts because peaceful relationships are not built by people who never disagree. They’re built by people who have learned that every disagreement doesn’t have to become a war. We don’t have to say everything that comes to our minds, and we don’t have to win every argument. Sometimes spiritual maturity looks like recognizing that we’re too angry to have a productive conversation and giving ourselves time to pray and settle down before we speak. There are also times when something absolutely needs to be said, but we need the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to help us say it in a way that produces understanding instead of more division.

Ephesians 4:29 (NLT) says, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” God is very clear about the standard He has set for our words. He tells us that what we say should be good and helpful, and it should encourage those who hear it. This doesn’t mean that every conversation will be easy or that we should avoid saying things another person may not want to hear. There are times when the truth must be spoken, problems must be addressed, and boundaries must be established. But even then, we don’t have permission to use our words as weapons. Being angry doesn’t give us the right to insult someone, call them names, deliberately say something we know will hurt them, or bring up every mistake they’ve ever made just so we can win an argument. When we belong to Jesus Christ, the way we communicate should demonstrate that He is working in our hearts.

This is something we have to practice, because controlling our tongues doesn’t come automatically. James 1:19-20 (NLT) tells us, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” Sometimes we’re so busy preparing our response that we haven’t really listened to what the other person is saying. We hear enough to become offended, and immediately we’re ready to defend ourselves. God tells us to do the opposite. He tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. There is wisdom in giving ourselves enough time to understand what someone is saying before we decide how we’re going to respond.

This becomes even more important when emotions are high. Some things cannot be unsaid. We can apologize, and certainly we should when we’ve hurt someone, but an apology doesn’t erase the fact that the words were spoken. This is why we need the help of the Holy Spirit in our conversations. We need Him to help us recognize when pride is getting in the way, when anger is taking over, and when we’re about to say something that will cause unnecessary damage. We need to become sensitive enough to His leading that when He tells us to stop talking, we stop. There will be another opportunity to discuss the issue after we’ve prayed, settled ourselves down, and are in a better position to hear one another.

Proverbs 18:21 (NLT) teaches us, “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” We are going to experience consequences from the way we communicate with people. If criticism, sarcasm, disrespect, complaining, and harshness are continually coming out of our mouths, we cannot expect those things to produce unity. Over time, they create an atmosphere where people don’t feel safe communicating honestly. On the other hand, when people know that they can speak to us without being attacked, mocked, dismissed, or punished for what they say, trust has room to grow. This doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements. It means disagreement doesn’t have to destroy the relationship.

We also have to be willing to examine ourselves when the same communication problems continue showing up in our relationships. It’s very easy to believe that everybody else is too sensitive, difficult, or always misunderstanding us. There may be times when that is true, but when several people have been hurt by the way we speak to them, wisdom requires us to consider whether God is showing us something about ourselves. Spiritual maturity means that we can humble ourselves enough to say, “Lord, if I’m contributing to this problem, please show me.” We can’t build healthy relationships if we’re unwilling to allow God to correct us.

Colossians 4:6 (NLT) says, “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.” Grace should be heard in the way God’s people speak. The people closest to us shouldn’t receive the worst of us simply because we know they’ll probably still be there tomorrow. In fact, our closest relationships are where we should be even more mindful of how we communicate. Familiarity should never become an excuse for disrespect. We should want the people we love to know through our words that they are valued, that we’re listening to them, and that even when we disagree, we are committed to treating them in a way that honors God.

Unity doesn’t mean that two people will always think alike, want the same things, or see every situation the same way. That’s not realistic. Unity means that we value the relationship enough to work through our differences without trying to destroy one another in the process. It requires humility, patience, forgiveness, self-control, and sometimes the willingness to admit that we were wrong. All of these are qualities the Holy Spirit develops in us as we grow in Christ, and eventually they should become evident in the way we speak.

Our words are one of the most powerful tools God has given us to strengthen our relationships. We can use them to encourage, reassure, apologize, express gratitude, tell the truth, extend grace, and remind the people we love that they matter to us. We won’t always get it right, but we should be growing. So, pay attention to what comes out of your mouth, especially when you’re frustrated, disappointed, or angry. Ask God to help you recognize anything in your heart that is influencing your words in a way that doesn’t please Him. When our hearts are submitted to Jesus Christ and our words reflect His love and wisdom, we are much better equipped to build the kind of unity in our relationships that honors God.■

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

“Build Unity Through the Words You Speak”, written for findchristianman.wordpress.com. Copyright©2025. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord.